Let your conscience be your guide; or the ABC of NZ politics part 1

Politics can be a confusing arena for an impressionable and idealistic young person to be thrown into. It is all the more so as our educational standards begin to take a dive and the dumbing down of the general population becomes more universal.

This poses a problem for parliamentary parties in terms of the induction of new members into the house. It has recently come to my attention (through a leak in the parliamentary plumbing) that a new easy to follow guide in the form of a glossary of terms has been commissioned at considerable taxpayer expense to assist with this process.

At great personal risk of having my GCSB file expand to the point where they need to build a new annex to the ‘persons of interest repository’ I am going to share some extracts from that manual with you. To keep it simple (in keeping with this whole dumbing down policy), I have chosen to disclose only the first half of this glossary at this point in time.

For all intents and purposes it is the ABC of NZ politics.

A is for amnesia. This is the correct default position to adopt when asked about something you did or said that could have the potential to uncover your true motives or actions. It is useful for deflecting uncomfortable questions from annoying opposition members and avoiding public gaffes when being interviewed by the press. An example would be receiving a large donation from an influential person and then forgetting who they are to avoid being linked with anything in their life that might harm your career.

B is for brighter future or bullshit. The two are interchangeable as far as their meaning goes, but always take care to use the ‘bf’ version to avoid letting any furry felines out of any bags. For example you paint a dazzling picture of how the future might be and then flood the market with press releases designed to give the impression it is actually happening. Print enough press rereleases and eventually the silent (as in brain-dead) majority will believe you.

C is for corruption and cronyism. The two go together like a horse and carriage in politics. You will seldom find one without the other. They are an important side to politics (as in knowing what side your bread is buttered on). Neophyte members need to remember they are both pronounced the same; that is silently. A good example is letting a coalition partner off some misdemeanour in order to secure his vote for a key policy item.

D is for deception. This is not to be confused with the desk that sits out front in many offices. Rather it is a skill you will have to learn as a new MP if you haven’t already mastered it on the campaign trail. Put simply it usually means putting forward something that appears to give the people what they want but surreptitiously inserting caveats to ensure you won’t have to deliver. A good example would be holding a referendum at great expense to the voters but failing to remind them that you are not required to take any notice of their opinions.

E is for expenses. Expenses are your God-given entitlement now that you are an MP. They are not a trivial matter and should be padded out as creatively as possible throughout your term. You should always be on the lookout for new ways to include as many of your day to day expenses as possible under this category and obtain the greatest possible benefit to yourself from this free source of finance. Tip: seek out loyalty schemes such as Flybuys and Airpoints in order to maximise your benefits.   

F is for fraud. This is something of a moving feast and its precise definition is sometimes hard to pin down. Suffice to say it is something that is carried out by beneficiaries, company directors that don’t vote for your party and members of the opposition.

G is for gravy train. This is what you are now on and if you want to stay on it you must learn not to rock the (gravy) boat. Strict adherence to the party line will stand you in good stead here. Remember to let your conscience be your guide. For clarification, your conscience is also known as the party whip.

H is for hypocrisy. No this has nothing to do with medicine. It is another of those traits you will see in the opposition. It has no relation whatsoever to Ministers in your own Government who milked the state benefits to educate themselves while raising a child and then took those benefits away from those who followed in their wake. That situation is called adapting to a changing environment.

I is for interest (as in conflict of). Again this is something members of the opposition regularly have. Shoulder-tapping old friends for top Civil Service jobs is not conflict of interest as opponents might suggest. It is known as networking to fill important vacancies by saving the taxpayer the cost of interviewing unsuitable people who don’t possess the correct political ‘understanding’.

J is for just is (as opposed to justice). This is an important one. You are not in parliament to bring justice and fair play to the nation; that is the function of the free market. Hence you are here to see that it ‘just is’ with as little blatant interference from government as possible. All interference is to be strictly covert and covered up by refusals of Official Information requests on the grounds of national security or personal privacy.

K is for kiss my arse. This is another of the unspoken terms you will have to learn the meaning of. It simply means, “I have been elected to Parliament and now I will do what I want and all you voters can get stuffed because it will be at least three years before you can chuck me out. In the meantime I will ride my gravy train all the way to the end of the line.

L is for lobbyists. These are also known as political advisors. They are those nice well educated people who spend most of their time hanging around the offices of Ministers of the Crown. You will have little to do with them until you are made a member of the Cabinet. Then you will get to know what obliging, intelligent and helpful people these are. They can help you develop your policy while maintaining a continuous stream of extra benefits for yourself.  

M is for mess. This is what the opposition made of the economy during their last term of office. It is also a description of every piece of legislation they passed that is not in keeping with your party’s policy. It is also a useful descriptor for any new policy initiatives the opposition might care to present that oppose your own.

I intend to present the last half of this revealing document next week by which time I hope to have completely covered the meta-data trail that leads from my ‘mole’ to me.

In the meantime, be careful out there. I know I’ll have to be.

Year of the living dead

There have been a few deaths this year. I know this happens every year, but in 2013 we have experienced some rather unusual deaths.

The first of these was North Shore MP Madly Barry. She apparently died last week – or at least I have to conclude that she and some of her colleagues did because last week her beloved leader announced Government ‘support’ for the Auckland City rail loop.

Auckland head boy Lenda Hand Brown is thrilled to bits with this apparent u-turn although I believe it is more of a u-bend; i.e. it is full of shit. Closer examination of the announcement reveals that little is likely to happen before about 2020, which the more quick witted among the population, (that’s a small group including thee and me and bugger all else), have realised is outside their current term of office. Thus they are making promises somebody else will be expected to keep which is always a dodgy proposition.

Of course amid all this excitement nobody has noticed the demise of Ms Barry and her un-named colleagues. I have to assume that Madly has gone to that great compost bin in the sky because as soon as she was elected to Parliament she told everybody who would listen, and a lot of people who were trying desperately to block out her droning rhetoric, that there would be a CBD rail link before a second harbour crossing "over our dead bodies".

Just whose dead bodies apart from her own was unclear at the time, but obviously the North Shore MP herself is no more because she told us back in 2011 what would happen if that was the case. We believe her because in the Reader’s Digest poll to find the most trusted New Zealanders of 2013 we voted Madly in at number 51, which might not sound very good, but it was high enough to make her our most trusted politician. How about that for an oxymoron? Although perhaps the real morons here are the voters (again).

However I tuned in to Parliament after the announcement and I swear I saw the deceased MP for North Shore smirking away in the background and she looked alive enough to me. Either she has come back to haunt Jianqi for killing her off with his announcement or she has looked more closely at the announcement than the pussies of the press who have all breathlessly reported the whole thing as if it is really going to happen. You see we have three types of dead in New Zealand; the dead, the undead and the brain dead. Madly Barry is one of the former two, but so far I cannot confirm which.

But Ms Barry is not the only death we have had in public orifice this year. Maori Party co-leader Pita (Principle) Sharples has also apparently died just this very week. You won’t find this reported in the paper yet because the Maori Party are trying to keep it quiet until they figure out how to blame Hone for it.

In the meantime the news has been leaked in a careless press release about a leadership vote to be held in a fortnight’s time. This can only mean one thing; Mr Sharples is dead. He must be because he told us only a few months ago he would lead the party until he died. Therefore the fact that he is now being replaced can only mean he has shuffled of his mortal coil.

And here’s the scary part. I swear I’ve seen Sharples this week as well. So has he also joined the ranks of the living dead? This is becoming more unsettling by the day. There are already rumours that the corpse of United Featureless is roaming the corridors of the Beehive and I have also heard about an attempt to reACTivate another dead party.

These creatures were all scary enough in life, without malevolent forces re-animating them for eternity. Forget the economy; we need to deal with this imminent threat without delay.

To that end I have been doing some research on zombies and it seems that most ‘experts’ believe the best way to deal with a zombie is with a swift shot to the head. Their theory is that the brain is the only living thing they have. And here is where we have a BIG problem dear readers. We are dealing with politicians FFS. Where on earth are we going to find a brain among them?

Another ‘expert’ suggests removing their heads. Once again I have never seen a politician yet who can’t operate without using their head, so I guess that is not going to work either.

The most ridiculous method I came across was to nail them back into their grave beds with a steak. I ask you how the hell can you nail someone to anything with a slab of meat? (Hush your dirty mouths) I would have thought you would want something sharp like a spear or a dagger for that.

Unfortunately folks it would seem that for the present we are unable to rid the country of these hideous cannibalistic apparitions – at least not until around October next year. I have heard that a tick in the right place on a ballot paper can sometimes work and if that doesn’t work then I am reminded of an old rhyme; Remember, remember the fifth of November.

   

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything

I was born a fair while ago – oh alright a long while ago. But in the context of human civilisation it was less than a nanosecond ago. The point is; that I was born into what was at the time an optimistic little country. It was then, and is still now, sometimes referred to as God’s Own Country or Godzone for short. Kiwis still had a bit of that pioneer spirit and a fair measure of pluck.

It was all a little primitive and we had to endure a bit of a razzing from visitors who thought they had taken a step back in time. Comments like, “I went to New Zealand but it was closed” reflected the popular view of those abroad that had even heard of us. Compared to people from Europe and the USA we lacked sophistication and a wider world view. It was understandable with our geographic isolation at the time.

In those days most of our population had little experience of other cultures (although even then they were probably less inward looking than the Americans), but I digress. Our geographic isolation and the sort of communications systems available at the time meant news took longer to get to us and new technology took even longer. The latter was also hindered by import restrictions, costs of freight and economies of scale.

However aside from all of that, life was pretty damned good for the average Kiwi. Unemployment was almost unknown; only 15 people were unemployed in New Zealand around the time I was born. As a result poverty was extremely rare. Most Kiwi families operated on the old model of Dad going out to work to support the family while Mum’s role was to stay at home and raise the kids. Admittedly in those days there were social mores that dictated that situation, but just the same, the majority of families were able to manage on that one income with few worries. If Mum went out to work it was usually only to get some extra spending money for luxuries. Few if any families needed two incomes to cover their ordinary living costs.

So where did it all go wrong? How did we get from 15 unemployed people to today where it is actually very hard to get a straight answer on how many people are out of work?

The closest I could get to working this out was the figure for the number of people receiving unemployment benefit. There are currently around 50,000 of those, but that does not account for the many unemployed people today who are on other benefits or receiving no benefits at all. It is probably fair to say the real figure is nearer to 100,000 than it is to 50,000. In other words we probably have the equivalent of the entire population of one of our larger cities out of work at present. When you look at it on that scale it is truly scary. The Government should be mindful of this, because if that many people became organised they could cause some major headaches for them.

Admittedly today you have to take into account all those women who would not have been in the workforce back when I was born, but even if you calculated them at one for every male, then the figure would double and we would still only have around 30 such people. Instead we have a figure that has increased by between 500,000 and 700,000%!

At that time weekly wages for most people ranged between £8 and £12 per week which on a straight conversion basis would be between $16 and $24 per week or between $832 and $1,248 per annum. Today we are TOLD they are around $41,000 although we know these are artificially inflated by a large number of people earning in excess of $100,000. The true ‘average’ (really the mean – and it is in more ways than one) would be nearer $30,000. In other words it has increased over the last 60 years by between 3000 and 3500%.

Today there are very few families that can afford the basics of life unless both adults are working – and even then many still can’t make ends meet. So despite the fact that our wages have increased by more than 3000% most families need two incomes to stay afloat. Either our money is now worth considerably less or the cost of living has risen by tens of thousands of percent.

With this thought in mind I checked up on house prices and I found the average house purchase 60 years ago would have set you back about £2000 or $4000. This was equivalent to about four times your annual salary. Today you can multiply that cost by 10,000% which is at least three times what our wages have increased by. I think we have found at least one of the culprits.

Of course cumulative inflation over the decades is another culprit, because every time prices rise more than incomes your money is effectively devalued. The same is true whenever a government decides to print more money because money that is not backed by something of value such as a tangible good or service is of no value and merely devalues the rest of the currency. This is what G Edward Griffin describes as a hidden tax on all consumers. This method is probably the most sinister way in which our cost of living has been increasing because it is being influenced by powers beyond our shores. Griffin’s book, The Creature From Jekyll Island explains this far more eloquently than I ever could.

So far I have blamed inflated prices which are more often than not caused by greed, and tinkering with the money supply as reasons why New Zealand (formerly known as Godzone) appears to be heading at breakneck speed to hell in a handcart. But I am reminded of the words of those great sages of my era (Mick & Keef) when they sang “I shouted out who killed the Kennedys, When after all it was you and me”.

We let them do this to us, folks and the sad fact is we continue to bend over for them. Our niceness (in some cases) and our fear (in many more) have stifled our ability to kick butt when we need to. You can’t change the world overnight, but you can make some change if you start saying NO when confronted with something that is not right.

Make an old man happy and start standing up for your rights, Kiwis. You just might be surprised how much you can achieve. 

The food feud

There are some things that all of us in the world today still have in common. One of the most important of those is the need for food that will nourish us sufficiently to keep our bodies and minds operating at maximum efficiency. This can only be achieved when we are able to access sufficient quantities of good food.

Herein lies one of the biggest contradictions faced by modern society. Most first world countries and a number of aspiring ones have spiralling obesity rates and increases in diseases which more often than not have their origins in what might loosely be described as ‘lifestyle’.

Now I am not talking about simply eating habits here; lifestyle in this context includes the way we live our lives and the physical environment in which we live them. It seems ironic that many Western cultures are boasting of increased longevity, but poorer health. It seems we have done some kind of pact with the Devil or the Universe or God or whatever wherein we have agreed to trade quality for quantity.

A hundred years ago we had far less money being spent on medical research and finding cures for diseases, yet we seem to have simply swapped the old diseases for a whole bunch of new ones. Westerners are living longer but we are spending more of their lives unwell which begs the question about whether this is progress or not.

That contradiction on its own is pause for thought, but running alongside it is the fact that developing countries are still filled with starving and malnourished people.

Famines are still a part of life in the African continent due to crop failures, wars and weather conditions. 

However far and away the largest reason people starve is the same one that has existed since the beginning of time; their inability to either afford or access enough food of sufficient quality to keep them nourished and able to function at optimum levels.

A hundred years ago we didn’t have all these ‘think tanks’ and NGOs and assorted aid organisations and yet now that we do we seem to have made next to no progress towards feeding those who cannot feed themselves.

So what is the answer? You might think that if I knew that I could make myself a fortune, but you would be dead wrong. I think I do know the answer and furthermore I think we all know the answer if we think about it. The problem is that it is an answer that the power brokers don’t wish to acknowledge. They don’t wasn’t to acknowledge it because it would mean they would have to change the way they go about their business and it would affect their bottom line. It wouldn’t send them broke, but it would reduce the outrageous fortunes the biggest players in the food cartels are currently able to make.

You might think that these people should be allowed to make handsome profits from peddling food and I would not argue with that except to add the caveat that it rather depends on what the cost of that is in human and planetary terms.

For some considerable time big corporations involved in food production have been acquiring competing businesses and growing larger and more powerful in terms of both their market share and the amount of income they are generating. This has led to a position rather like that in the oil industry where a small number of humungous corporations are controlling the production and distribution of most of the world’s food. Some such as chemical giant Monsanto have taken it to a whole new level by getting control of seeds and patenting them along with their attempts to take out patents on actual vegetables!

Many farmers in the USA have been threatened with or found themselves actually facing law suits for what Monsanto has described as violation of their patents. Usually this has been where a farmer has had the misfortune to be the benefactor of some windblown seed from a neighbouring farm. This is bullying of the worst possible kind. The small farmer (it is always a small one because the big ones are all being taken into the fold of the big corporations) has to expend money he can ill afford to defend a spurious legal case brought against him by a large corporation for whom legal fees are a convenient tax write-off.

However the implications of this policy are far worse. Companies like Monsanto are neither scared of losing a couple of market shares to a small scale farmer. The amount he would take even if they allowed it would be less than a month’s salary for one of their top executives. The real reason these actions are being brought is to financially ruin the small farmers so Monsanto can get a firmer hold on the global food chain. Left unchecked these people will literally have the power of life and death over the world. If you control the majority of the food in the world you can then control who gets it and who does not as well as how much you charge for it.

However Monsanto are not on their own in this and there are other players here who are also doing their bit to ensure that food resources are controlled by a small cartel of big players. Furthermore there is another side to all of this and that becomes evident when we consider the quality of the food that is being produced by the major players. In short it is crap and crap that in many cases is doing us harm and very often responsible for those so-called lifestyle diseases that many of us now suffer from.

Companies like KFC, Dominoes Pizza, Unilever and the like are sourcing their ingredients from a select few massive growing operations that have gobbled up most of the tiny food producers and then shipping their wares all over the world. Surely not the most efficient way to do things considering the costs of freight and packaging, not to mention all the additives that must be used to preserve the food for these journeys?

In case anyone in New Zealand thinks this doesn’t affect them, I would draw your attention to the TPPA an agreement which our Government is hell-bent on signing and which would bring obligations upon us to fall into line with various other signatories to hand over control over our own food to external forces. There are various petitions about at present that voice concern over this. While it is a good idea to sign those (if you agree of course), I think we have to recognise the fact that this Government is going to implement this, much as they did with the Therapeutic Medicines body where we gave up our sovereignty to Australia and allowed them to make our decisions for us. That particular agreement could enable outsiders to stop some therapeutic medicines being used in this country so that we are forced to use only those approved by an outside body – a body which is most likely influenced by those manufacturers who want to control the industry.

What’s worse is that there are and ownership arrangements and unholy alliances already between the big players in the food, chemical and drug industries.

So what can we do about it? 

Not a huge amount on the macro level, but plenty on the micro level. Support your local farmers, especially those who farm using natural methods. Buy locally produced and grown food and grow as much as you can of your own. Home produce gardening is one of the most revolutionary and rebellious acts you can do today without getting locked up (yet). But take it further and save your seeds and share them with your friends. If enough of us do it we could bring about a change.Even if we don’t we will still be better off not putting more money into the pockets of those who don’t need it and your health will be better too.

I also recommend a book by Frederick Kaufman called Bet the Farm. It is an entertaining yet scary look at what the global food giants are really up to.

Studies in stupidity

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Studies in stupidity

An awful lot of money is expended by governments and public bodies engaging so-called academics to carry out studies. Now that might sound like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. After all we need to know certain information in order to plan for many different private and public organisations and with studies that actually move forward our understanding I have no problem whatsoever.

However I am seeing an increasing number of really stupid studies that seem to be telling us things that nobody with an IQ in even double digits should need a study to find out. It is annoying enough to see public money wasted in such a reckless way, but even more frustrating that I can’t become recognised as an academic and manage to grab some of this bounty for myself.

The latest of these forays into the frivolous is the study carried out by Otago University that trumpeted its astonishing findings to the nation via the pages of the NZ Herald this week. 'Right to success' belief can cause students to struggle screamed the headline to a story that informed us how students who had an exaggerated belief they had a right to success are more likely to struggle come exam time.

But the stupidity doesn’t end there; it goes on to ‘reveal’ that these same students whose own opinion of themselves was much higher than their academic prowess, performed worse than their peers in the final exam – but only when they found the paper more difficult than expected.

Well I never. Fancy that. And it took a huge slab of money from vote education that instead of being been used to educate our students tells us that little twerps who have lost touch with reality vis-a-vis their own capabilities are more likely to fail. Duhh!

And this study was not only funded by Otago University, but also published in the International Journal of Higher Education. Higher than what, I wonder. Higher than kindy education? No wonder the world is going to hell in a handcart.

If journals bearing such a prestigious sounding names as that are according studies of the bleeding obvious such importance, I have to wonder if there just might be a chance for me to grab some of the coin that is being freely tossed about.

Why don’t we commission a study into why we spend so much money on studies into such ridiculous ideas as the one above? I’m sure the answer to that is just as obvious, but for anyone who doesn’t see it; the answer is that governments, councils and bodies administered by them love to spend money on everything but their core functions. They also like to appoint wankers to carry out these idiotic activities so they can turn out press releases to divert our attention from the real issues and enable our shamefully unimaginative newspapers to fill a few more column inches without having to leave their desks and write anything intelligent.

Rather than print slop like this the Herald should have been out there grilling this twat about how his study had improved the lot of students at Otago Uni or slam Heckyeah Parata up against the blackboard and get her to explain why there is insufficient money to fund our schools properly but always enough to fund stupid studies like this one.

I have a few ideas of my own for some ground breaking (or is that wind breaking) studies that should improve the world just as much as the example above.

How about a study into why when I fill my car with petrol I am about $120.00 poorer? Why should this be? I am wondering if it could somehow be related to the fact that I actually have to pay for the stuff. It’s just a theory, mind you, but I’m sure if someone was to chuck me a hundred thousand or so I could investigate that fully and come up with a conclusion that would benefit the whole of New Zealand.

Alternatively I could carry out a study into the meaning of life. This I suggest could be a life- long study and I could drip feed my startling revelations via a series of annual reports which I know would be eagerly anticipated by a grateful nation. I could probably knock out between 700 and 1000 words of absolute bollox, much as I do on a regular basis these days except that the taxpayer would be paying me a handsome retainer to do it.

Yes, I think I could get used to that. They can expect my submission very soon.

Where’s the Wally?

In the last couple of weeks we have gained a new catchphrase into our lingo and we have been ‘privileged’ (?) to become familiar with somebody few of us had ever heard of before. Having said that, most of us would have been no poorer for never ever hearing of this prick, but life is like that sometimes. We can’t go back. The prat is now well and truly out of the bag.

I am referring of course to the one and only (thank God) Arrant Grabmore, that lowly National list pillock with delusions of adequacy.

Grabmore is likely to have one of the briefest careers of any of the overfed, over privileged tossers with whom he soils the benches of this Parliament. He has in the course of a couple of weeks gone from zero to zero and back again, managing to completely miss out the hero part of that particular cycle. He has offended a waiter, some diners, some tenants, possibly also his partner and his idol/idle/leader along with every right thinking person in New Zealand.

Boorish little twats like this should have been given a good kicking in the schoolyard and had this sort of arrogance knocked out of them before they got out of short pants.

For the benefit of anyone who has been in intensive care for the last week or a medically (or otherwise) induced coma, I will give you a little history of this twerp.

He was born in Christchurch in 1973 and spent most of his working life either working for Government Departments or sucking up to National Party shakers and movers like the reptilian Ill Health Minister and State Sold Enterprises Minister Tony Vile. He spent some time working with a couple of accountancy firms as well where he apparently advised utility companies. That probably explains why so many of them are so arrogant, although I shouldn’t give too much credit to whippersnapper Grabmore as he is still pretty wet behind the ears in this regard. A really smart arsehole, unlike Grabmore, knows how to insult and throw his weight around without bringing the roof down on his own pointed little head.

Grabmore suffers from an over-inflated sense of self importance derived from his overwhelming inferiority complex. And who can blame him? He is after all clearly a twit and he looks like a Jianqi clone, which is enough of itself to make anyone feel inadequate.

His political career if you can call it that has been pretty much a disaster from day one. He began by putting out his own PR in which he managed to boast about so much he has been referred to satirically as the go-to man for everything. He claimed a qualification for himself that he did not actually hold and seems to have sung his own praises pretty comprehensively – but it must be remembered this has been a totally solo performance for young Grabmore, much as I suspect, like his sex life.

He stood for the Christchurch East electorate in the 2011 election and lost, but almost got in on the Natsis' list. However his election night celebrations were somewhat premature (and I am tempted to make another reference to his sex life here, but won’t) and following the final counts the Green’s became entitled to one more seat at the expense of the Nats. As a result Grabmore as their lowliest lister lost his spot to Mojo Mathers. I’ve no doubt that this loss must have rankled with him particularly. First of all he lost to a party he probably perceives as the anti-Christ; then he lost to a woman; and finally he lost to a woman with a disability. To Mr Perfect In Every Way, this must have really impinged upon his own mojo.

However the universe often moves in mysterious ways and because young ‘Grabbers’ was such a proficient arse licker he remained on the Natsi list and thus when Blockwood Smith resigned from Parliament last year he was ushered in to the back benches.

This appears to have inflated his already bursting sense of entitlement and so it was that he got sloshed at a Natsi conference and behaved like a buffoon in a Christchurch restaurant. Here he uttered that now famous line, “Do you know how I am?” when refused more wine due to the fact he was pissed as a chook. He then got stroppier and threatened to tell his ‘Dad’ (Jianqi) on the waiter and have him bash him up (fire him).

His behaviour was so bad that one of the people he was dining with was so embarrassed he wrote a note to the waiter apologising for the little shit.

Then when the faeces hit the fan, little Arrant wrote a note of his own (in crayon) in which he apologised for the behaviour of his group. This of course pissed off his fellow diners who had all been apparently behaving perfectly appropriately. His esteemed leader was then contacted as they always are in these cases and as is always the case with Jianqi’s particular style of ‘laissez-faire’ management nothing has been done. Jianqi has made some grumbly noises and delivered his usual po-faced response about the miscreant letting himself down and his behaviour falling below the standard expected etc etc etc... yawn; but sod all else.

In a case like this there is always more and you can rely upon the media to start finding it soon. They have already found another instance where Grabmore has chucked some tenants out of their accommodation in circumstances that seem less than fair and certainly less than polite. It looks as though he might have upset his partner at the same time, so he looks destined to become an even bigger little Johnny no mates than his steamed leader.

Of course more will unravel from all of this and eventually Jianqi will have to drop this Wally because he will become too much of a distraction. He certainly won’t be the first MP Jianqi has supported to start with, held on grimly for several weeks and then eventually had to chuck out. Pansy Wong-Number immediately springs to mind and I know there have been one or two others as well, especially if one includes coalition partners.

In any event even if Grabmore manages to stifle any further revelations you can be sure his list place at the next election will be expressed in three digits. Of course none of us should be remotely surprised by all of this as it is exactly the sort of arrogant attitude that most of this Government carries around with it all the time. The only difference between young Arrant and his fellow party members is that the others have learned how to tone theirs down when other people are watching or listening.

But I feel sorry for the waiter, who after all was only doing his job. It is illegal to sell alcohol to pissed pricks, so he was merely doing what he oughta.

But most of all I am sorry that he didn’t have the presence of mind to call for silence in the restaurant and announce that the person next to him didn’t know who he was and ask if anyone could come forward and help him in regaining his memory. It would have been an absolute scream if nobody had come forward.

Only the cronies (dum dum dum dum dee doo wah)

Want a great job, a sinecure, a safe un-sackable position for as long as you feel inclined to bother with it? Then try sucking up to Jianqi and his merry band of brigands.

There will always be a welcome in the hillside for those who toe the party line and suck the party whatsit.

The National Disgrace under Jianqi is hurtling out of control through their current term. The indecent haste with which they are making changes that are un-mandated by the wider electorate, despite the fact they were able to coalesce into a government (?) after the last election is truly mind-boggling.

But it is not just the damaging policy changes such as the asset sales and the ‘clarification’ of the laws governing the actions of our secret squirrels that are the worry. Although God knows they are wreaking enough damage to the economy and to our basic freedoms.

What is even more disturbing is the flurry of political appointments that are likely to continue long after this government has left office. These are people who are appointed to jobs that have traditionally been seen as being apolitical and although it has always been the way that successive governments have appointed people they like to these positions there has been a change in the way Jianqi’s lot have tackled it.

Ian Fletcher was appointed to the role of director of the Government Communications Security Bureau in January 2012. This happened after the State Services Commissioner Ian Rennie had told Jianqi he had a list of possible candidates but didn’t like any of them. Helpful Jianqi instantly had an answer for him and suggested an old friend of his for the position. But he went further; he actually contacted that old friend directly and told him to apply for the job (wink, wink).

Thus it was that Ian Fletcher was the only applicant seen by the SSC and was duly appointed to the position. It would seem that his lack of relevant experience did not count him out of being considered the most suitable candidate for the job. But then I suppose with nobody else on the short list then he must have at the very least been the best candidate on offer.

Of course Jianqi later denied knowing Jesus. er Ian (at least three times by my count) and then when he suddenly had a moment of recall he tried to say he knew of him, but didn’t really know him. Of course as we all now know that was also uncovered as an outright lie in due course and then came the real killer punch; Jianqi forgot he had actually contacted Fletcher directly and advised him to apply (wink, wink). This fact becomes even more disturbing when we learn that Jianqi had also forgotten to advise the SCC that he had done this, leaving Mr Rennie with a big eggy stain all over his dial when the story got out.

The timing of Fletcher’s appointment was also interesting; immediately after the GCSB had waded in illegally to Kim Dotcom’s home and trampled all over his civil rights so that Jianqi could cuddle up to the FBI.

This demonstrates that Jianqi, who claimed more brain-fades than an Alzheimer’s patient over this fiasco, knew very well that his bully-boys had overstepped the mark and that he was going to need ‘some friends in high places’ to ensure the whole sorry saga didn’t come back to bite him on the bum.

The next example of National Disgrace’s cronyism occurred when Judith ‘Little Bo-Tox’ Collins appointed Dame Susan Devoy as race relations conciliator. Another hopelessly under-qualified candidate for an important role.

But was she under-qualified if you look at it from the Natsi’s point of view? Well, no, not really. In fact she was ideal. She was a sporting icon, a dame of the realm, and a really good supporter of the Jianqi government and all the principles it stands for. She had the ideal background of having been involved with a campaign to raise awareness of mental illness, which would enable her to understand politicians better. Then she was involved with a campaign to raise awareness of muscular dystrophy (I’m still not hearing anything about race relations yet). She is a good role model for women – she even wrote a support letter for Tony Veitch after he kicked his partner in the guts and then of course she made some stunningly tactful pronouncements on how Waitangi Day should not be a public holiday and then had a swipe at women in burquas. 

No I’d say she was well qualified to sit on a fence as she did the minute that rude cow from Denmark slagged of the welcome she got when she visited here recently.

With a dame like that in the position, we need never worry about any ethnic minorities getting above themselves or (gasp) having the damned cheek to seek some human rights.

But with her latest appointment Little Bo Tox has really bested herself and steals the cronyism title well and truly away from Jianqi. Given her latest enraptured adoration of Margaret Thatcher, Jianqi should be very afraid. Yon Bo Tox has the lean and hungry look (or in her case, the over made up and greedy look).

This time the hard faced one has appointed someone from within the ranks of her own (sorry Jianqi’s own – getting ahead of myself there) government to a plum role. Ooh hoo Jackie Blue has been appointed as Equal Opportunities Commissioner. This is another role that is supposed to be apolitical which is appropriate because Little Bo Tox’s phone is ringing but she doesn’t want to talk to anyone now, be it John Wayne or Chairman Mao.

Admittedly Jackie Blue has been a spokesperson on women’s issues so there is some sort of qualification there, but for her to be actually taken out of parliament to take on the role is dodgy to say the least. Blue hoo has been in parliament for three terms and never made it to a cabinet spot. One can’t help but feel that the job is some kind of compensation for that with the pay-off that the Jianqi Government has another friendly face in another high place and they can be sure their policy objectives will not be undermined by some disruptive soul who wants people to enjoy human rights.

With all this cronyism going on, I can’t wait to hear who the next ‘ideal’ candidate will be and what plumb job they will take. What’s your best guess? Mine is John Banks for Human Rights commissioner.