Weak tea and even weaker characters

Times are tough and we are all going to have to pull in our belts this year. Or so the saying goes from our shiny new government.

Why we would need to do this when we are confronted with a ‘brighter future’ I can’t understand; unless that ‘brighter future’ was simply a colourful pigment of Jianqi’s imagination.

I couldn’t help noticing how the Prime Munter leapt onto the front foot this week to try and damp down the fires of expectation.  The Government is still on track to get back into surplus by 2014/5 he told a no doubt credulous audience at Waitakere in his ‘State of the Nation’ speech (and what a state it is in, eh?). But added that the European debt crisis could stuff that up for him, and finished off on a positive (read: rehearsed) note by saying, “But outside that scenario, we remain firmly committed to our target for surplus in 2014 - 15." Which is another way of saying their policy is still the same even if their intentions are not. It is important in politics to distinguish between ‘policies’- (the stuff you tell people you want/intend to do) and ‘intentions’ – (what is really going on).

I heard the teapot tape today and it is a sadly disappointing item, to be frank. There were no really big hairy skeletons leaping from the closet, but it is clear those who claimed to have heard it earlier obviously did. It contains some less than charitable comments about poor old Dong Rash and writes of the NZ First supporters, but aside from that there is nothing particularly damning. It also shows the two Johns in a pretty cocky mood, but then we already knew what jumped up little farts both are, anyway. It makes you wonder what sort of a long game Jianqi is playing by making such a fuss and involving the cops. My guess is that he was embarrassed not so much by what was on the tape as he was for being such a dufus as to not notice it earlier.

Still this incident will pale into insignificance when Parliament really gets started. We haven’t heard the last of the Kim.com saga yet. Some awkward questions will have to be answered about how somebody who passes the residency ‘character’ test doesn’t pass the same test for buying a home. Methinks some ‘second thoughts’ are involved here. The Coalman probably (actually certainly) stuffed up granting him residence in the first place and then Mo Fo Williamson pulled the rug out when he wanted a home. Well why not, eh? They already had his $10M. I notice Judge David McNaughton – the nitwit that let Akshay Anand Chand out on bail resulting in him killing the woman he was charged with abducting – has shown wiser counsel in assessing the likelihood of Mr .com (why didn’t he choose.de given he is German?) fleeing. His lawyer, Paul Davison showed how naive he was by saying his client’s assets were frozen and therefore he was not a flight risk. Wake up, Paully; people this rich ALWAYS have other funds available to them. Having said all of that; something about this case makes me very uneasy. We seem awfully keen to please the Americans over this and I smell a large political rat somewhere in this pile of shit. Has Mr Domain name upset some big money players (apart from Hollywood that is)? I suspect he has and this is more to do with that fact than any alleged illegal file sharing or ‘racketeering’. But I could be wrong.  

Of course the next fly in Jianqi’s Vix is likely to be the sale of the Crafar Farms. In the light of the hoo-hah over Kim.com this has become an even more hot potato for the Government. A decision from the OIO is due any day now. Some unkind commentators have suggested it is being timed for when the PM is out of the country. Settle down. Little Johnny is not a pussy and always knows how to man up. Look how he dealt with the media over the teacup saga. He wasn’t running away he was just very busy as Prime Monitors are, saving us from our wasteful ways and greedy excesses. Well you can’t waste what you don’t have, can you? And we ‘one percenters’ can only dream of wasting stuff these days.

Here come the nice

If you read the crime reports in our papers you could easily get the impression there are a lot of ‘nice guys’ out there who end up doing some not nice things. In fact if you believe their relatives, or naive Ministry of Justice clods and Social Workers, most of the people you and I might refer to as scumbags (well I would anyway) are actually nice guys.

Take for example the scuzzy little douche-bag who raped the 5-year-old European tourist in Turangi. According to Judge Jocelyn Munro he is a smartly turned out young man for which he should be commended. At least he was when he turned up for court. So I guess that probably excuses his ‘wee lapse’ then. In fact it would seem we have it on pretty good authority this lowlife was a very nice guy. His Mum says so and obviously she must know, because she brought him up. Me, I don’t get that attached to my chunder.

I see the family is also trying to drag ‘the big guy’ (or if you like ‘the big sheila’) into it by reading a karakia (that’s a prayer for any overseas readers) asking the big force to make him ‘a man without hate anger or stress’. Now that is a big call. I don’t know of any man who is without stress and everyone experiences anger and hate at some stage. The difference is that we learn how to control the last two so that we can live like a civilised human being. However I doubt this dingy bat would have been much use to the kid given she appears to be so unaware even after he has plundered the innocence of a five-year-old girl whose life will never be the same because of his actions.

Further endorsement of this little toe-rag has come from his mates. No surpwises there then. They are probably a bit miffed he didn’t tell them about it and it would come as no surprise if most of them end up before the courts before they reach adult (age).

Another unfairly judged ‘nice guy’ is apparently Aucklander David Ilolahia. Y’see poor old Dave just went to his local Wendy’s Slophouse (I mean Burgers) to get a wee snack. All he wanted was a Baconater (with no bacon), a Fish Burger and a Triple Combo. Now I have to confess I don’t actually know what any of these are apart from the Fish Burger (although I doubt it bears much resemblance to fish and the bun probably bears no more than a passing resemblance to bread. I thought I might have known what a Baconater was until they threw in the ‘without bacon’ part, and to me a Triple Combo is a jazz trio.

Be all that as it may, I am sure that Dave reckons these things are the bees’ knees – it’s just a shame they aren’t made out of bees’ knees – they might have been much healthier then. But to get to the point about Dave the ‘nice guy’ who has been maligned; he ordered this stuff and then the nitwit behind the counter got the most difficult part of the order to understand correct (the Baconater sans bacon) but somehow or other managed to stuff the rest of it up. Confused by the fact Dave had ordered a Fish Burger the Wendy Wonder brought him a Chicken Burger which probably looks exactly the same after the meat has been ‘processed’ and quite possibly tastes no worse. Matters got worse when instead of the expected jazz trio; Dave got a touch of the Classics in the form of the Big Classic.

It was at this point that things began to go rapidly downhill for Dave. The upshot was that he is now facing charges of threatening behaviour, assaulting police, disorderly behaviour and resisting police.

But it wasn’t Dave’s fault. He is according to the best available expert on the subject (i.e. himself); a nice guy. Apparently the manager started it by not taking his complaint seriously enough. Then Dave who is a furniture remover by occupation began shouting at her, allegedly called her a ‘lesbian bitch’ (although what that had to do with the meal order – who knows?), and a fucking arsehole. I can see the connection with the latter remarks as he was probably referring to where the ‘food’ tasted like it had come from.

Somewhat surprisingly the manager and staff became alarmed at the sight of a giant Polynesian man the size of a small articulated lorry shouting at them aggressively and shut themselves in the office and called the police.

That was when Dave was hard done by again because the cop wanted him to pull his head in and calm down. Dave was having none of that though because he was a man very much wronged and thus it wasn’t until the cop had emptied a can of pepper spray into his face and split his head open with a baton that he calmed down.

And finally I hear that another ‘nice guy’ Joseph Williams is to be deported from Australia because they feel he poses a threat to their society. Now it is unlikely to coma as any surprise to those who have been following this week’s thread that Joe reckons he’s a (you guessed it) ‘nice guy’.

Joe went to Australia after a life of crime in New Zealand after being a member of the Mongrel Mob. The crack was that he was going to make a fresh start. Well I guess ‘fresh start’ is a term that is in the mind of ht beholder because during his six years in Oz, Joe has managed to rack up convictions for armed robbery, breaking and entering, drug possession, burglary, wilful damage, car theft, arson, breach of bail and assault on police. Not bad going for just six years, but then I don’t know anything of his record over the previous 30 years in NZ!

Joe has been trying hard to fight his deportation on the following grounds:  (1) he reckons he’s not a threat to Aussie society (he’s a nice guy) and (2) he reckons the Mongrel Mob will kill him if he returns to NZ. As far as reason (1) goes I’d say the Aussies whose homes were burgled and broken into and whose cars were nicked and property destroyed by fire might reasonably argue with that. And as for reason (2); why on earth would the Australian government (or anyone else for that matter) give a shit? If he’s such a nice guy surely the Mongrel Mob would be happy to see him again and welcome him back with open arms. Unless he stole from them I can’t see why they wouldn’t. He still obviously favours the same lifestyle as them.

So my point is; there aren’t any ‘nice guys’ who commit crimes like these. To say people like this are nice guys is to say a man with dementia is coping well because he has one day when he knows what is going on. They are shit-brains but even for the most dedicated one of those it is simply not possible to be an utter twat all of the time. Just because someone helps a little old lady across the road doesn’t make him a nice guy; especially if he later robs her of her shopping. Hopefully Judge Jocelyn Munro (or whoever deals with the 16-year-old scumbag at the beginning of this blog will realise that clothes DON’T maketh the man. Hith acthions do!  

Only the names have been changed to protect the idiots

The year has barely begun and already we have the contenders lined up at the starting gates of Bedlam all vying for the coveted title of stupidest New Zealander in 2012.

Somebody at CYFS who shall remain nameless; (but only because the agency has circled its wagons) is off to a flying start. He or she is the dufus that let someone else I can’t name escape from the agency’s custody. The reason I can’t name the escapee is another ridiculous situation. You see this little scumbag escapee is the 15-year-old boy-racer charged with the manslaughter of another young man who by coincidence also liked car racing, albeit properly organised racing.

To make matters worse, (if you can here) this little scrote had stolen the car he was driving when he crashed into 22-year-old Shaun Fitzpatrick and killed him. He then absconded from the scene. He has now absconded again, but the chances of getting him back quickly must be slim as we can’t know who he is because ‘he’s just a little boy’. Clearly this crucial lack of identification is going to be a major obstacle to locating the little shit. What I can’t get my head around is why the suppression should continue. The court has already indulged him in the first instance by suppressing his name, but the only thanks they got was him doing ANOTHER runner. In such cases the suppression should end immediately.

And while we are on the subject of his latest escape; CYF operations general manager Grant Bennett (surely a misprint – it must be Gordon) says “Child, Youth and Family had appropriate steps in place to monitor him, including round the clock supervision until his next court appearance. Unfortunately, there was a brief opportunity for him to abscond and he took it."

So who gave him this ‘brief opportunity’ and under what sort of circumstances did it arise?

Unfortunately this Bennett pillock refuses to say how a bunch of grown-ups could be so stupid and incompetent as to lose a 15-year-old who has already been remanded into their custody.

Clearly Bennett, G has about as much affinity with the truth as Bennett, P. CYF cannot have had ‘steps in place’ to monitor this kid around the clock like he says otherwise he would not be on the lam now. I shouldn’t really be surprised though because I reckon Baldrick could have come up with a much more workable plan than  anything devised by one of CYF’s ‘crack strategists’.

So congrats to the un-named nong, who I suspect we will never find the identity of as the Bennett’s will be too busy trying to cover the entire lazy corporate arse of CYF (and themselves). He or she is off to a flying start for the coveted title of NZ’s stupidest person for 2012.

However the CYF twit has some early competition from the slow-witted staff at Middlemore Hospital who let a woman walk into the hospital and then walk out again carrying somebody else’s baby.

I suspect this will be another incident where we will never learn the full details of how it happened in order to protect the terminally stupid – and of course Toenail Vyle the Minister irresponsible.

It is a lucky thing the parents of the baby spotted the woman otherwise who knows what might have happened. The offender was clearly mentally ill as she had already been faking a pregnancy for the previous nine months and had managed to fool her partner, (who also must be in with a chance for the title).

I am flabbergasted that someone is just able to walk into a neo-natal unit completely unchallenged. Furthermore in this particular instance the woman had earlier in the day been spotted holding another baby in the unit. When the baby’s mother challenged her she said she was just comforting the baby.

Middlemore’s idiot spokesperson, Lauren Young offers up the gem that Middlemore's birthing unit is a large ward with 45 beds which could be ''difficult to monitor all the time''

Difficult?  Er, perhaps, but hardly like trying to solve the world economic crisis or trying to get the truth out of a politician. This is easy shit. If they can’t manage that I would be extremely worried about allowing them to undertake medical procedures!

However it’s not PC to criticise these people who are ‘only doing their job’ (very badly). And since we don’t know who any of these anonymous clowns are; they will be spared the embarrassment of public ridicule.

But I can’t help feeling the public humiliation or the threat of same might be a useful weapon in getting public servants to serve the public properly. Nothing else seems to have worked so far.