Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Break a leg, Johnny ... or yer neck!

Newsflash! Our Prime Minotaur thinks he’s a thespian (a change from the allegations surrounding his predecessor).

So why does JiangQi think he should be treading the boards instead of treading water (or walking the plank)? Well it seems our little showman got the idea some time ago when he sent a fan letter to that man of letters Da-aaavid Letterman asking him to come to New Zealand and sign his autograph book or something. Anyway, our starstruck wannabe decided the best tribute he could pay to his idol and which might guarantee him a close-up and personal moment was to make a video of himself being ‘entertaining’.

Rumours emanating from the National Disgrace HQ say the TV presenter literally fell down in a helpless heap watching the clip. It is unclear exactly what the cause of his mirth was, but the rumour would have it he was so bowled over by Johnny’s talent that he sent out an urgent missive to get him on the programme.

Those of us who finished Primary School felt this was extremely unlikely given that neither Letterman not his ‘people’ probably had any idea where New Zealand was never mind who this lisping little troll with an impending comb-over moment was.

However now some spoil-sport (there always is one, isn’t there?) leaked details of the $10,000 paid out to a PR company by Tourism NZ to get little Johnny his gig. So this was a pay to play type gig. Not very cool Johnny, but hang on a minute – that’s not even YOUR money! So we paid for him to perform and make an even bigger dick of himself and us by implication than he did on Hardtalk in the UK when he tried to argue that there were degrees of 100% pure. Duhhh!

So that’s the UK and the US gigs over. Somebody needs to muzzle this pillock before he makes us a laughing stock in the rest of the world as well. Let’s face it; humour is not his best suit. Although his best suit might be humour – but that’s a whole different fashion gig, I mean gag.

In fact the National Disgrace is pretty light on comedians – apart from the unintentional ones like Jezza Browneye who makes you laugh just watching him trying to get in and out of his limo and Bill Nospeakada English who is really funny when he loses his rag and starts shouting and spitting.

So who are the best comedians in our Parliament? The Laboured Party used to have most of the best comedians in Parliament. It’s just a shame nobody could take any of them seriously enough to vote for them. However there are still some in the chamber who are capable of making the rest of us laugh. Trev (Duck) Mallard can be very amusing (but then he went to the right school); and Catherine Delahunty has performed stand up comedy (she also went to the right school). Peter Dunne has funny hair so perhaps he could develop a Ken Dodd type act, and of course Shonky John Hadfield thinks he’s all things to all people.
But then perhaps it’s not such a bad thing we don’t have too many comics in the House. Let’s face it; what they’ve been doing to the country over the last three years is no laughing matter.

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