Here come the nice

If you read the crime reports in our papers you could easily get the impression there are a lot of ‘nice guys’ out there who end up doing some not nice things. In fact if you believe their relatives, or naive Ministry of Justice clods and Social Workers, most of the people you and I might refer to as scumbags (well I would anyway) are actually nice guys.

Take for example the scuzzy little douche-bag who raped the 5-year-old European tourist in Turangi. According to Judge Jocelyn Munro he is a smartly turned out young man for which he should be commended. At least he was when he turned up for court. So I guess that probably excuses his ‘wee lapse’ then. In fact it would seem we have it on pretty good authority this lowlife was a very nice guy. His Mum says so and obviously she must know, because she brought him up. Me, I don’t get that attached to my chunder.

I see the family is also trying to drag ‘the big guy’ (or if you like ‘the big sheila’) into it by reading a karakia (that’s a prayer for any overseas readers) asking the big force to make him ‘a man without hate anger or stress’. Now that is a big call. I don’t know of any man who is without stress and everyone experiences anger and hate at some stage. The difference is that we learn how to control the last two so that we can live like a civilised human being. However I doubt this dingy bat would have been much use to the kid given she appears to be so unaware even after he has plundered the innocence of a five-year-old girl whose life will never be the same because of his actions.

Further endorsement of this little toe-rag has come from his mates. No surpwises there then. They are probably a bit miffed he didn’t tell them about it and it would come as no surprise if most of them end up before the courts before they reach adult (age).

Another unfairly judged ‘nice guy’ is apparently Aucklander David Ilolahia. Y’see poor old Dave just went to his local Wendy’s Slophouse (I mean Burgers) to get a wee snack. All he wanted was a Baconater (with no bacon), a Fish Burger and a Triple Combo. Now I have to confess I don’t actually know what any of these are apart from the Fish Burger (although I doubt it bears much resemblance to fish and the bun probably bears no more than a passing resemblance to bread. I thought I might have known what a Baconater was until they threw in the ‘without bacon’ part, and to me a Triple Combo is a jazz trio.

Be all that as it may, I am sure that Dave reckons these things are the bees’ knees – it’s just a shame they aren’t made out of bees’ knees – they might have been much healthier then. But to get to the point about Dave the ‘nice guy’ who has been maligned; he ordered this stuff and then the nitwit behind the counter got the most difficult part of the order to understand correct (the Baconater sans bacon) but somehow or other managed to stuff the rest of it up. Confused by the fact Dave had ordered a Fish Burger the Wendy Wonder brought him a Chicken Burger which probably looks exactly the same after the meat has been ‘processed’ and quite possibly tastes no worse. Matters got worse when instead of the expected jazz trio; Dave got a touch of the Classics in the form of the Big Classic.

It was at this point that things began to go rapidly downhill for Dave. The upshot was that he is now facing charges of threatening behaviour, assaulting police, disorderly behaviour and resisting police.

But it wasn’t Dave’s fault. He is according to the best available expert on the subject (i.e. himself); a nice guy. Apparently the manager started it by not taking his complaint seriously enough. Then Dave who is a furniture remover by occupation began shouting at her, allegedly called her a ‘lesbian bitch’ (although what that had to do with the meal order – who knows?), and a fucking arsehole. I can see the connection with the latter remarks as he was probably referring to where the ‘food’ tasted like it had come from.

Somewhat surprisingly the manager and staff became alarmed at the sight of a giant Polynesian man the size of a small articulated lorry shouting at them aggressively and shut themselves in the office and called the police.

That was when Dave was hard done by again because the cop wanted him to pull his head in and calm down. Dave was having none of that though because he was a man very much wronged and thus it wasn’t until the cop had emptied a can of pepper spray into his face and split his head open with a baton that he calmed down.

And finally I hear that another ‘nice guy’ Joseph Williams is to be deported from Australia because they feel he poses a threat to their society. Now it is unlikely to coma as any surprise to those who have been following this week’s thread that Joe reckons he’s a (you guessed it) ‘nice guy’.

Joe went to Australia after a life of crime in New Zealand after being a member of the Mongrel Mob. The crack was that he was going to make a fresh start. Well I guess ‘fresh start’ is a term that is in the mind of ht beholder because during his six years in Oz, Joe has managed to rack up convictions for armed robbery, breaking and entering, drug possession, burglary, wilful damage, car theft, arson, breach of bail and assault on police. Not bad going for just six years, but then I don’t know anything of his record over the previous 30 years in NZ!

Joe has been trying hard to fight his deportation on the following grounds:  (1) he reckons he’s not a threat to Aussie society (he’s a nice guy) and (2) he reckons the Mongrel Mob will kill him if he returns to NZ. As far as reason (1) goes I’d say the Aussies whose homes were burgled and broken into and whose cars were nicked and property destroyed by fire might reasonably argue with that. And as for reason (2); why on earth would the Australian government (or anyone else for that matter) give a shit? If he’s such a nice guy surely the Mongrel Mob would be happy to see him again and welcome him back with open arms. Unless he stole from them I can’t see why they wouldn’t. He still obviously favours the same lifestyle as them.

So my point is; there aren’t any ‘nice guys’ who commit crimes like these. To say people like this are nice guys is to say a man with dementia is coping well because he has one day when he knows what is going on. They are shit-brains but even for the most dedicated one of those it is simply not possible to be an utter twat all of the time. Just because someone helps a little old lady across the road doesn’t make him a nice guy; especially if he later robs her of her shopping. Hopefully Judge Jocelyn Munro (or whoever deals with the 16-year-old scumbag at the beginning of this blog will realise that clothes DON’T maketh the man. Hith acthions do!