Another year has
come to an end and if you believe the seriously deranged, (and who wouldn’t –
look at the government our fellow citizens elected), the entire world is
actually ending as I write this.
Traditionally at
year’s end people look at the high achievers for the year just gone and hand
out plaudits*. These are very difficult little things to wrap as they aren’t
actually physical objects; more like the mean man’s present. In fact you can’t
really do much with them at all, despite the fact they are relatively easy to
hand out. To be precise, the only way you can offer plaudits is by hand, so I
guess what I am handing out is something less substantial than a plaudit as
there are no hands involved apart from the two fingers on the keyboard (and
possibly pointing upwards for the benefit of some of the recipients of these –
audits. That’s what we’ll call them. Audits for idiots might be more accurate.
It has been a
busy year on the idiot front and thus it is impossible to rank the recipients n
order of merit (?). So I will simply randomly select a few over the next couple
of weeks in particular order or all over the place like a mad woman’s shit as
an old mate of mine used to say. And that is probably the appropriate description
because it mirrors pretty accurately how most of them performed over the last
twelve months.
First cab to
crash into a truck in this careless coterie would have to be HeckYeah Parata or
Lady Gardiner as I think she will soon have to become again. HeckYeah’s list of
cock-ups in her role as Minister of Illiteracy is far too long to list here.
Suffice to say she is likely to be back at home as a Lady of leisure sometime
soon because even that simpering little twat of a Prime Monster is getting
tired of all the flak he’s copping because of her.
Actually it
should come as no surprise to him that she has failed so monumentally. Cock-ups
and controversy have followed this dozy cow about for years. The fact that the
National Disgrace Party took her on as an MP and gave her a ministership to run
aground tells you (a) what poor leadership can get you and (b) how much they
care about education.
A quick scan of
HeckYeah’s CV reveals that in 1995 she and her equally self-serving husband Sir
Weary Gardiner were the subjects of an investigation by then State Services
Commissioner Don Hunn over the purchase of two vehicles for Weary who was the
CEO of Te Puni Kokiri at the time. Although they were both cleared of any illegal
activity at the time, significantly both cars were returned to the Ministry for
re-sale by auction.
In 1999 HeckYeah
was under scrutiny again. This time her consultancy firm had provided ‘ongoing
high quality Maori advice (which is presumably different altogether to ordinary
high quality advice free of ethnic tags) to WINZ at a cost of $207,500. How ‘high
quality’ it was I’ll leave you to judge apart from mentioning that the late Rod
Donald raised it as a criticism in the house due to the fact that the Maori
unemployment rate rose by 2% following this ‘high quality’ advice.
Then in 2003
HeckYeah raised the ire of Murray McCully after the Ministry of Economic
Development had wasted, I mean spent $240,000 of taxpayers’ money on Treaty of
Waitangi training courses run by (you guessed it) HeckYeah’s company again.
In another move
that shows her consummate lack of judgement HeckYeah was appointed to the board
of Maori Television in 2001 and resigned two months later citing a lack of
funds. I’d say that was a pretty lucky escape for Maori TV, because she would
have been sure to fuck it up if she’d stayed around.
HeckYeah stood
for the Wellington Central electorate at the 2002 election and thankfully the
capital’s citizens proved too smart to elect her. Thankfully she also missed
out on her each way bet with the Nats not getting enough party votes to bring
her in either. It got a bit sticky later on when MoFo Williamson got himself
offside with the party hierarchy and it was only thanks to the elevation of
well-known Maori basher Dong Brash to leader that HeckYeah wasn’t hauled in
to replace MoFo.
Interestingly
Dong nearly saved us all from this useless woman with his Orewa rotary club
speech. After that Weary and HeckYeah contemplated leaving the Nats.
Unfortunately for us and the teachers of this nation they did not and after a
suitable period of blubbing over her 2002 disappointment HeckYeah came back in
2008 and stood for the Mana electorate. Once again the voters had more sense
than the Nats and rejected her again, but this time she had secured (begged,
borrowed or stolen?) a suitably high place on the list and this time her each way
bet paid off and she was elected despite being roundly rejected by the
electorate.
In 2010 HeckYeah
became a Cabinet Minister when another of the party faithful slipped and grazed
her knees. Pansy made a Wong decision to use taxpayer money to help her husband
promote his business and she was toast and HeckYeah was slipped into her
portfolio.
Also in 2010
HeckYeah actually won the Mana seat in a bye-election after sitting member
Winnie Laban had resigned to pursue greener pastures. It was nothing more than
a lucky break as she was the only candidate for the seat with others realising
there wasn’t a lot to be gained from holding a seat for just a few months
before a general election. However HeckYeah with that impeccable judgement we
have seen since she became a Minister went for it with the idea of securing it
into the future. Fortunately the electorate turned out again in halfway decent numbers
in 2011 and she lost it again, but by now she had enough clout having been a
Minister albeit for about four and a half seconds and only as a subbie off the
bench, to be well enough placed on the list to get in again after being
rejected by the voters.
HeckYeah therefore
is a worthy recipient of the inaugural and inauspicious Money & Titles Talk
award because it is hard, given her history to imagine what the hell else
caused her to become the Minister of Illiteracy.
*a plaudit is actually a round of applause – so I guess you could say we are giving the winners the clap.
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