Politics can be
a confusing arena for an impressionable and idealistic young person to be
thrown into. It is all the more so as our educational standards begin to take a
dive and the dumbing down of the general population becomes more universal.
This poses a
problem for parliamentary parties in terms of the induction of new members into
the house. It has recently come to my attention (through a leak in the
parliamentary plumbing) that a new easy to follow guide in the form of a
glossary of terms has been commissioned at considerable taxpayer expense to
assist with this process.
At great
personal risk of having my GCSB file expand to the point where they need to
build a new annex to the ‘persons of interest repository’ I am going to share
some extracts from that manual with you. To keep it simple (in keeping with
this whole dumbing down policy), I have chosen to disclose only the first half of this
glossary at this point in time.
For all intents
and purposes it is the ABC of NZ politics.
A is for amnesia. This is the correct default position to adopt when
asked about something you did or said that could have the potential to uncover
your true motives or actions. It is useful for deflecting uncomfortable
questions from annoying opposition members and avoiding public gaffes when
being interviewed by the press. An example would be receiving a large donation
from an influential person and then forgetting who they are to avoid being
linked with anything in their life that might harm your career.
B is for brighter
future or bullshit. The
two are interchangeable as far as their meaning goes, but always take care to use
the ‘bf’ version to avoid letting any furry felines out of any bags. For
example you paint a dazzling picture of how the future might be and then flood
the market with press releases designed to give the impression it is actually
happening. Print enough press rereleases and eventually the silent (as in brain-dead)
majority will believe you.
C is for corruption
and cronyism.
The two go together like a horse and carriage in politics. You will seldom find
one without the other. They are an important side to politics (as in knowing what
side your bread is buttered on). Neophyte members need to remember they are
both pronounced the same; that is silently. A good example is letting a
coalition partner off some misdemeanour in order to secure his vote for a key
policy item.
D is for deception. This is not to be confused with the desk that sits
out front in many offices. Rather it is a skill you will have to learn as a new
MP if you haven’t already mastered it on the campaign trail. Put simply it
usually means putting forward something that appears to give the people what
they want but surreptitiously inserting caveats to ensure you won’t have to
deliver. A good example would be holding a referendum at great expense to the
voters but failing to remind them that you are not required to take any notice
of their opinions.
E is for expenses. Expenses are your God-given entitlement now that you
are an MP. They are not a trivial matter and should be padded out as creatively
as possible throughout your term. You should always be on the lookout for new
ways to include as many of your day to day expenses as possible under this
category and obtain the greatest possible benefit to yourself from this free
source of finance. Tip: seek out loyalty schemes such as Flybuys and Airpoints
in order to maximise your benefits.
F is for fraud. This is something of a moving feast and its precise
definition is sometimes hard to pin down. Suffice to say it is something that
is carried out by beneficiaries, company directors that don’t vote for your
party and members of the opposition.
G is for gravy
train. This
is what you are now on and if you want to stay on it you must learn not to rock
the (gravy) boat. Strict adherence to the party line will stand you in good
stead here. Remember to let your conscience be your guide. For clarification,
your conscience is also known as the party whip.
H is for hypocrisy. No this has nothing to do with medicine. It is
another of those traits you will see in the opposition. It has no relation
whatsoever to Ministers in your own Government who milked the state benefits to
educate themselves while raising a child and then took those benefits away from
those who followed in their wake. That situation is called adapting to a changing
environment.
I is for interest
(as in conflict of).
Again this is something members of the opposition regularly have.
Shoulder-tapping old friends for top Civil Service jobs is not conflict of
interest as opponents might suggest. It is known as networking to fill
important vacancies by saving the taxpayer the cost of interviewing unsuitable
people who don’t possess the correct political ‘understanding’.
J is for just is
(as opposed to justice).
This is an important one. You are not in parliament to bring justice and fair
play to the nation; that is the function of the free market. Hence you are here
to see that it ‘just is’ with as little blatant interference from government as
possible. All interference is to be strictly covert and covered up by refusals
of Official Information requests on the grounds of national security or personal
privacy.
K is for kiss my
arse. This
is another of the unspoken terms you will have to learn the meaning of. It
simply means, “I have been elected to Parliament and now I will do what I want
and all you voters can get stuffed because it will be at least three years
before you can chuck me out. In the meantime I will ride my gravy train all the
way to the end of the line.
L is for lobbyists.
These are also
known as political advisors. They are those nice well educated people who spend
most of their time hanging around the offices of Ministers of the Crown. You
will have little to do with them until you are made a member of the Cabinet.
Then you will get to know what obliging, intelligent and helpful people these
are. They can help you develop your policy while maintaining a continuous
stream of extra benefits for yourself.
M is for mess. This is what the opposition made
of the economy during their last term of office. It is also a description of
every piece of legislation they passed that is not in keeping with your party’s
policy. It is also a useful descriptor for any new policy initiatives the
opposition might care to present that oppose your own.
I intend to
present the last half of this revealing document next week by which time I hope
to have completely covered the meta-data trail that leads from my ‘mole’ to me.
In the meantime,
be careful out there. I know I’ll have to be.
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