Is it just me or
are our criminals getting thicker. Many of us have chucked scorn at the cops
for years because most of us only see the slow witted, slow talking, ‘Mr Plod’ types
who seem to struggle so much issuing a literate statement to media you wonder
how the hell they could ever solve a mystery.
However lately
it has come to my attention that an awful lot of the criminally inclined among
our population are racing like hell to take the title of the thickest group of
people in New Zealand from our dullards in blue.
Two examples of some
of this latest batch of fumbling felons arose in the Far North this week and
these two Northlanders were a long way north of sensible.
The first of
those who is aptly named after the allegedly first ever man – (who by all
accounts wasn’t all that smart either) is Adam Saville of Mangawhai. Adam had a
really good idea about stealing a pair of Nike shoes from Rebel Sports in the
Okara Shopping Centre. He was spotted by store staff trying to stuff them down
his trousers (was he trying to impress the girls?). When he realised he had
been tumbled, he took to his heels (presumably with the Nikes still in a
position to bruise his tender parts).
Unfortunately Adam
wasn’t that fleet of foot (maybe he should have put the Nikes on his feet
instead of his old feller) and was soon caught by some civic-minded bystanders.
They brought Adam back to the store to face the music, but Adam wasn’t yet
singing from the same song sheet and decided to opt for adding a bit of
percussion. He did this somewhat unwittingly as only the witless can, by
attempting to flee his captors. However in his haste he forgot that it’s a
better idea to look where you are going rather than where you have come from. As
a result he ran headlong into a head-high horizontal bar that was holding up a
street sign and took an enforced nap on the pavement where he was duly scooped
up and arrested. I’ll bet he really reckons those $130 shoes were worth a smack
on the head and a criminal record. Imagine if he’d got away with them; he’d
never want for anything again (except perhaps a brain cell).
The second Northerner
to display his cretinous credentials has not been named at this stage
(presumably to spare the embarrassment of anyone who had anything to do with
his birth.
Mr Anonymous or
Mr Big (Plonker) as we shall call him came up with a brilliant plan to steal a
packet of batteries from Pak ‘N’ Save. Unfortunately we can’t cost this one out
so we don’t know if this is a three or four figure crime (including cents).
Anyway Mr Big
had not quite mastered the magicians’ art of palming his booty and was spotted
by store staff, and took off. He should have inserted the batteries first,
because that might have made him a little brighter and more likely to avoid
capture. Unfortunately he didn’t have the time or the wit to do this and
instead simply ran down the street followed by store staff. A passing policeman
saw the commotion and was able to easily intercept and arrest him. The policeman
found it really easy to track the thief because he was wearing a bright yellow
High-Vis vest, which we have to conclude, was the only bright thing about this
person.
In an update
form an earlier blog at this site entitled You’d
better give the suckers an even chance I see former Hastings barrister
Sacha Beacham has been in trouble again. Ms Beacham would appear to be in good
company with Messrs Saville and Anonymous above as she hasn’t quite got the
message that she needs to stop drinking or at least stop misbehaving when she
does. Last year the boozing barrister was fined and disqualified from driving for
her third drink driving conviction. At the time she managed to get the trial
moved to Auckland to save her blushes in her hometown. Following the court’s
generous indulgence Ms Beacham didn’t bother to turn up for her hearing because
she heard a media had applied for permission to take pictures of her.
Well this time
Ms Beacham faced the court over a charge of obstructing police and resisting
arrest. I hardly need add the demon drink was involved again and it would seem
she has learned very little since her last court experience as this offence
took place on New Year’s Eve, some four months after her previous conviction. I
notice Ms Beacham who is reported to have relocated to Auckland was this time
tried in Napier (presumably for the same reasons she was tried in Auckland last
time). This time she turned up, however
and unsuccessfully tried to oppose the press application to take photographs. I
do hope Ms Beacham gets herself into
a programme to deal with the obvious problem she has with alcohol before she
kills someone. Most sane people would not go out and get bladdered and arrested
when they have as much to lose as she does. You have to wonder how good she is
as a barrister based on her own decisions.
Another criminal
whose brains seem to be AWOL is former director of National Finance Anthony
Banbrook. Mr Banbrook has just pleaded guilty in the High Court at Auckland to
a charge of signing a company document which included untrue statements. His
sentencing on the charge which carries potential penalties of up to five years
in the slammer or fines of up to $300,000 is scheduled for August.
When asked to
surrender his passport prior to his sentencing the former financial genius asked
the judge if he could take his pre-booked holiday in Fiji first.
Thankfully
Justice Mark Woolford was having none of it. Neither was Crown Prosecutor Steve
Symon who pointed out that Banbrook had booked the holiday for the time the
trial was to have been conducted. The only reason Banbrook was ‘free’ to take
it was because of his guilty plea which meant the trial finished early.
So to recap;
this financial genius pre-booked a holiday to Fiji for a time when it would be
obvious to any but the eternally he would not be able to go if he pleaded not
guilty and even less likely if he pleaded guilty. No wonder the company
collapsed.
However just to
demonstrate how equally dopey our legislators can be, I point to the Vehicle
Confiscation & Seizure Bill. I think whoever came up with this idea must
have been having a seizure at the time.
This week the
first boy-racer (I prefer the term idiot-boy) car was crushed by Police
Minister Anne ‘Tosser” Tolley. This one belonged to Daniel Briant who had
reached the requisite three strikes for his idiotic behaviour in front of an
off-duty police officer in Porirua. (there’s help in your town, Daniel). Less
than three hours after being sentenced by the Court he was behind the wheel
again doing exactly the same stuff, this time proving what a hopeless wannabe
driver he was by crashing into a fence which wasn’t probably nowhere near as
thick as him.
This bright
young spark then set about trying to hide his car by a series of registration
changes, but eventually the law caught up with him and the car was uplifted and
made into a metallic poppadom.
But the point here
is the legislation that empowers the state to wantonly vandalise an otherwise
perfectly good car in order to ‘teach’ Daniel a lesson didn’t seem to stop him
repeating his idiocy even after the order was made to seize his car.
For the law to work
it has to appear reasonable to the ordinary man in the street and if young
people in particular are to learn from it, there must be no stupid
inconsistencies such as this. Simply seizing the car and selling it would
deprive him of his wheels just as surely as this act of vandalism would. But
then like so many laws enacted as a knee-jerk reaction, it’s all just window
dressing; it looks pretty but it only creates an image and changes nothing.
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