Friday, 11 March 2011

Madness – the universal malaise

Well after some of the daft things that have happened in the last week I am relieved to say it is not only Kiwis that are barking mad. The whole bloody world has lost the plot. If you think that sounds a little, er extreme then take these examples from the last week’s news.
Example number one:
The Aussies and the Chinese are getting all excited about the possibility of making an invisible cloak. Yep, that’s right the diggers have taken some time out from mopping up all that unwanted water and figured that what the nation needs right now is a good dose of invisibility. Perhaps they think they might be able to hide from the rain – or is it part of a dastardly plot to win the Rugby World Cup by fielding an invisible team. Anyway, whatever it is, they have hauled in a bunch of Chinese scientists to help them because they had nothing important to invent in China, what with it being such a great country where everyone eats and lives so well.
To be fair the Sino-Ocker partnership is not necessarily trying to make a Harry Potter cloak. They claim to have artificially reversed the Optical Doppler Effect. This effect is what scientists call the way in which light is emitted from objects so they are visible to the human eye. They reckon they have found a way to divert the light away from the human eye so the object becomes ‘invisible’. It all sounds pretty far-fetched to me, not to mention pointless, but I’ve no doubt some lab-coated genius will have a wordy, jargon filled explanation designed to make us think the entire future of our civilization depends upon it. Frankly I think it would be a damned nuisance. Let’s face it we have an aging population with failing eyesight and the last thing we need is some beakerhead making objects invisible.
Example two shows the Poms are also mad (although most of us already knew that anyway)
An apparently anally retentive football referee red carded a player from the field in a game between Dorchester and Havant & Waterlooville for a head high tackle. Now normally this would be the right and proper thing to do, but in this case the person the player tackled was not another player but a bloody stupid streaker who had charged onto the field and disrupted their game. He kept running around holding the game up while the useless officials couldn’t catch him. Then when Dorchester player-manager Ashley Vickers stepped in and dropped him so the officials could get him off the field the whistling retardate reached for his red card and banished Vickers for doing everybody a favour. What’s even worse is the score was 1-1 at the time and subsequently Dorchester was beaten thanks to Mr Dimwhistle.
I found my next example of incredible stupidity in a place that has had its fair share of that particular commodity lately; the Middle East.
After this week Muammar Gaddafi must be a shoe (or sandal) in to win the coveted misplaced trust award (Political Division). He recently held to a press conference to show how much in touch he is at which he stressed, “There have been no demonstrations” and “My people love me”. After seeing old Muammar give that interview I couldn’t help but become transfixed by his face, which these days bears a scary resemblance to Michael Jackson’s during his latter days. Has old Mu been under the knife or does he wear an old mask of the gloved one to hide his real appearance for when he has to do a runner? Given his foolishly inaccurate and complacent statements about what is happening in the country which he doesn’t lead – he makes a point of saying he is not the leader – one must wonder if he has a similar appetite for drugs to the one Jacko was alleged to have had. Wake up, Mu and smell the burning buildings – people seldom burn those they love in effigy.
The Americans, have also jumped into this week’s cesspool of stupidity thanks to their latest conference of Catholic Bishops. Their idea of a great leap forward for the spiritual health of their nation is to edit the New American Bible so that it is as PC as possible. The word ‘booty’, which is a perfectly good word for the spoils of war will be replaced by the three word definition of it, while ‘holocaust’ (Don’t mention ze war) is to be replaced by what I feel is even worse – burnt offerings. I wouldn’t be surprised if all references to asses are removed if they haven’t already been. But the one change that really could be interesting is the removal of any reference to the Virgin Mary as a Virgin. The reason given is that the Hebrew word almah doesn’t strictly mean virgin. What baffles me is why this was not realised 2100 years ago. But the worst part of all this is they feel it is more important to prevent kids sniggering in Sunday School when they come across the word booty in their scriptures than it is to prevent their creepy clergy from molesting those kids.
Madness is catching. These days you don’t just catch it off the toilet seat; you also catch it from the newspapers, the television and the Internet. It’s one of those caring sharing things that have gone totally viral as a quick skim through your newspaper will confirm.

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