Just lying around

Bigger lies than usual are forming the basis of this year’s election campaign. Hopefully the chorus of fabulists, confabulators, and downright liars will overhype things so much before November that they will be unmasked for all including the usually credulous to see.

We always get lies and half-truths from city councillors, members of parliament and heads of government departments, and election year is usually worse than other years, but this year is somewhat unusual in that our ultimate head of state is also involved.

Governor-General designate, Jerry Mateparae is right at the heart of a monstrous (in both senses of the word) cover-up over the behaviour of New Zealand troops in Afghanistan. The allegation has been made that our lads captured prisoners in Afghanistan and then handed them over the Afghan authorities and I think it is fair to say this is undeniable. But Jezza and his merry band are still trying to deny it and write off the consequences.

I gather one of their tactics has been to start arguing the semantics of the situation. Among the sillier suggestions that have been made is that we were involved in joint operations so (technically) it was our partners who were in charge and therefore guilty if anyone was of handing over people to be tortured. This is complete crap and the sort of argument one might expect from a ten year old who has been caught bang to rights.

Since Mateparae was in charge of our defence forces at the time, it is crucial we have an independent investigation into this before we even countenance having him take the job of Governor-General.

JiangQi has waded in to support the potential G-G by refusing an inquiry and throwing a few massive tito of his own into the mix. On this occasion I think his boyish enthusiasm has got the better of him and he might have just put his head in the noose with his allegations against Jon Stephenson, the journalist who broke this story in Metro. The Prime Minotaur made some pretty specific allegations which Stephenson has not only denied, but consulted his lawyer about. It would seem that he had a witness present when he was alleged to have called the PM and identified himself as Duncan Garner. Furthermore Stephenson claims JiangQi did not hang up on him at the time, but had a quite amicable conversation with him. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Stephenson taped that conversation. In fact I hope he did. I guess we’ll know soon.

So what are the other fantastical stories, fables, myths and bullshit that we have endured from the ruling party and their cronies so far this year?

Well their decision to change the rules around KiwiSaver is another example of their duplicity. This week they have confirmed what we have all been fearing for a couple of weeks; namely that the government will lower its contribution, thus breaking their contract with taxpayers ‘to make it more affordable’. That’s rich! Perhaps they could afford it if they returned their BMWs, demanded payment from Mediaworks, asked for the money back from AMI and stopped spending money on security for multi-nationals like Petrobras.

The following is a verbatim extract from the National Party policy on KiwiSaver – the one they campaigned upon at the last election:  National is committed to keeping the KiwiSaver scheme and making it an enduring and affordable scheme for members, employers, and taxpayers.

National is committed to maintaining New Zealand Superannuation payments at a minimum of 66% of the average after-tax wage.

National is committed to continuing the New Zealand Superannuation Fund in its current form and with the current contribution rate.

However what appears in our favour is that they are not planning to bring it into force until after the election. So if you want the government to hold up its end of this particular bargain, your only hope is to vote against the National Disgrace Party in November and hope like hell the other lot don’t try to pull the same stroke.

Among the other promises that are under threat is the plan to lead us to pay parity with Australia. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen while Bull Singlets is boasting to overseas investors what a great place NZ is to come to because ‘the wages are much lower than across the ditch’.

Of course most of us will have forgotten that GST wasn’t going up, either. Civil servants were being capped, but somehow (mysteriously) more than 2000 of them have gone.

Then of course we have to recall the vapid ramblings of that stupid cow Heck Yeah Parata when she was challenged about the decision to grant seismic drilling permits. She said they didn’t have the right to drill, but that is apparently completely wrong and the permit they were granted clearly states they are able to drill one well under the terms of that permit. Lady Gardiner should stick to pruning her roses.  

But to be fair, Heck Yeah was a latecomer to all of this and Jerry Brown-noser did all the really sneaky stuff like whipping this lot through without any consultation either with iwi or the general public.

So what lies in the future? Plenty more where that lot came from, I suspect. Semper Vigilans!

The natives are revolting and they’re ugly!

Election year is definitely the time that brings out the worst in people. The naked lust for power, the grubby broom cupboard alliances, the sickening photo opps, the name calling....

Yep this is the sort of behaviour we have come to expect from those who ‘lead’ us. Small wonder the place is going to the dogs. (Sorry doggies, no offence, I just haven’t found a better expression for such a state).

Over the last 12 months the parties have all had the old wrecking ball out desperately trying to clear away the debris from their previous shambolic caucuses. Already there have been a few squeals from those getting trashed in the worst possible way.

Labouring’s Crass Carter even had the temerity to lob a couple of grenades back at his leader Phil Pants, but because he throws like a girl they kind of bounced back and blew him to pieces, but not in the way he would have liked.

Of course Pants also had his pulled down over the Darien Hoose saga. I think ol’ Phil was a bit unfairly slagged on that one. He did do the right thing; it just took him a while to make up his mind.

Of course the more alert ones among you will have noticed that both these Labouring examples were gay. Do we detect a little anti-gay bias in the Labouring Party then?

Hell no, Damien O’Gonner was just messing with them when he said that!

Of course the National Disgrace Party has had its moments as well. Patsy Went Wong got herself in the hot noodles when her hubby used OUR MONEY to go and further HIS business in China. But notice how leader JiangQi  made excuses for her short term memory loss, then gave her time to make up an excuse, er get her story together, then tried to hide her and send her on holiday before finally having to ‘accept her resignation’.

Then of course we have the case of John Hatfield, the most balanced politician in Aotearoa. Two fucking big chips; one on each shoulder and a superiority complex that defies all logic. This man is often spoken of as being very intelligent but I guess it all depends on what you call intelligence. It might be just me, but I think offending everyone including the party that put you into parliament is not one of those qualities that define a smart person. The guy is obsessed with being the centre of attention, and like a hyperactive child he doesn’t know when to stop. Even the bad attention seems to be better than none for him.

Still well done HH, I doubt that you’ve only sunk yourself; I suspect your antics have also put a whacking great hole in your ex party’s waka as well.  

Then Acting Party leader Rodney Lied caught a whiff of mutiny in the air and tried to dispatch Heather Royboy. But our Heather is a soldier and she was more than a match for Rodders. Royboy must have one or two influential friends in the party hierarchy because although he somehow managed to lever her out of the deputy seat, he couldn’t get rid of her altogether and she remains steaming in the corner and no doubt plotting her revenge.

I suspect that one of those chooks might be coming home to roost at this very moment, because it would seem that Rodders now faces a challenge from Dong Brash. Now it might seem silly and I can understand you thinking he has nothing to fear from probably the world’s most boring man, but it rather looks like the old dullard also has some big Acting mates.

It really is bizarre and you would have to wonder if the Acting Party strategist is actually working for the other side to even think of bringing back old Dong. Mind you they do attract quite a lot of bizarre characters into their parliamentary ranks.

The party has only been around a little over a decade and it has already had three ‘colourful’ leaders. I’ve always felt Rogered Douglas was a weird old bugger and Prebs was known as Mad Dog Prebble with pretty good reason and now they’ve got Rodney Lied who is actually madder than the previous two put together. Dong would probably be perfectly well suited among this sort of company. However despite the fact the old duffer is unquestionably as mad as the other three, there is still one thing they all had/have that he does not - a personality.

Now it might sound shallow but the reality is that you do need some sort of personality to win an election and this is even more important in the case of a party leader. You don’t have to be nice, though. If that were the case, then horrible little vermin like Mulledloon would never have had a show. To lead a party in an election and get its fair share of votes, means you either have to be fawningly, falsely charming or foaming at the mouth despotic. But you have to have some sort of profile. Dong who?